I have always had the tendency to jump to the worst possible conclusion. When I was a kid, i would wait for my parents to pick me up from school, if they were ever like a minute late I'd start panicking that something bad had happened, it was ridiculous and so embarrassing. But I just put it down to being a kid and loving my parents or something. I've always been anxious about loads of stuff as well, but just thought it was a character trait, and it motivated me to work a lot so I didn't mind.
When my father was diagnosed with cancer when I was at university, it all started going beyond normal levels into insomnia, full blown panic attacks, proper anxiety that i couldn't just set aside, and turned into this lethargy as well where I wouldn't see anybody and didn't want to do anything. Maybe that was depression, but I never wanted to acknowledge it, so waited it out for a few months and just got through that year. The panic and anxiety would come on and off. When I split up with my ex who I was crazy about it all went really weird again, really regular panic attacks, insomnia, then the lethargy, all in this predictable pattern. I never thought about actually topping myself properly, but wondered weird stuff like what it would be like if I were dead, and how people would react. I would always shake those thoughts off quickly though.
That all got better, albeit with still intermittent panic attacks and regular anxiety/still always fearing the worst, when I talked to my friends about it, saw the university counsellor and talked stuff through. She said it was likely depression and I should consider getting it diagnosed but I never did, I think I have real problems admitting it to myself, so I hate talking about it. much less actually making it more than just a theory. I guess it's easy to talk about on here because, bar 1 or 2, I don't know any of you personally so it's kind of easier describing it to 'strangers'. It went away by living in the same place for a while, having a lot of good friends, getting a new girlfriend etc. But recently the panic attacks and lethargy have been coming back - I think it's because i have moved to a new city, been having problems with the girlfriend having moved up here, and always worry about my Dad no end because I can't see him regularly. Everytime I have a voicemail I worry it will be a family member saying he's died. That's actually the first time I've ever admitted that, but it's really harrowing and stressful. Also as a law student, I constantly fear failure, even though it's totally irrational as I've always got good enough marks throughout my life and never really failed.
I guess the others here who have talked about similar symptoms feel this too: it's so tedious, and tiring, and sometimes embarrassing. There's such a stigma and, aside from my close mates, I just won't tell anyone. Like I missed time at college recently because i felt it coming on so wanted to go home for a few weeks, and just lied to them saying I was ill, I just didn't want my teachers/classmates to know as I find it so, so hard to acknowledge or talk about, which isn't like me, I'm a proper blabbermouth.
Maybe it's time to finally do and talk to a doctor, as I worry it might kick in again being away from all my friends and family, and especially with continued issues with my girlfriend. Maybe I should tell my college I wasn't actually ill but this was the real problem. I don't know. I'll probably just keep it within as I usually to because I don't want the attention of people thinking I need help, and I don't want to admit that I might have a mental illness. Which is stupid, i know.
