Author Topic: Experiences of depression and anxiety  (Read 135276 times)

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Offline Jill

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Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2425 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 06:35:16 AM »
It's weird like, doesn't matter how good life is, at the first sign of a bad day my instinct is always just "f*** it, be easier to top myself". Not like I'm actively suicidal but my brain always goes straight there. Talking about it helps a lot, not like I'm looking for sympathy or even advice but as I voice it I realise how stupid it sounds and that helps me move through it.

In the process of trying to keep all areas of my life in check obviously I've forgotten to order my medication so hoping I can grab it in the morning before the brain zaps kick in. Venlafaxine is great for me but f*** the withdrawals kick in quickly.

Mine are like clockwork, 25 hours until I feel the zaps. Do you get the incredibly f***ed up dreams too?

Just woke up from a series of absolutely mental dreams. :lol:

I'm on about hour 33 and struggling to get out of bed! f***ing dinky little half life.

Offline John P

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2426 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 12:12:51 PM »
Have been thinking about posting in here for a while and have finally decided to after reading back through a few pages today and recognising a lot of what people were saying in myself.

I've been feeling really low and/or anxious on and off for a while now, and having a baby fairly recently (he's 20 months old) just seemed to exacerbate these feelings. I'm at the point now where I get really sudden surges of anxiety out of nowhere - I can't really think straight and my heart starts really pounding and stuff. I also have days or weeks where my mood will be really low, I don't want to talk or interact with anyone, and I feel really numb as if nothing really matters and I have no feelings or emotions towards anything.

I obviously love my son to bits, but I've found these last 20 months probably the most difficult of my life. His sleeping is awful and always has been (he still has never slept through once in his life) and I don't know whether that is the main reason for my stress and anxiety or whether it's just the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of what has been building up for a while. I'm quite a closed person and always thought of it as a good thing, but now I think I've just bottled up a lot of stresses over a number of years that I would have been better off letting out. At the same time I feel as if I don't have enough to be stressed about - I'm physically healthy, in a relatively well paid job, own a house, have plenty of money in the bank and am in a stable long term relationship with a lovely young son. I do have stresses at work but nothing major and nowhere near what other people have to put up with. There are people on here who have had to deal with really traumatic things and I've had none of that. All I'm complaining about is having a child as if it's a bad thing whilst people are losing children or having children who are seriously ill for f***'s sake, it's ridiculous.

Anyway, I don't really know what I wanted to achieve with this post but it feels a bit better to have let some of it out. What's the protocol for wanting to do something about this? Do I just ring my doctor and tell him what I've said here and take it from there? I'm at the stage now where I think I need to do something about it.

Offline Ian W

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2427 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 12:20:54 PM »
It's definitely not ridiculous, look at all the posts we get in here.

I don't have experience of the clear next step so I'll let other people reply, but I'd think doctor is a good shout.

Offline Jill

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Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2428 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 12:57:40 PM »
See a doctor. Just tell them what you've written there and see what they recommend. Good on you for speaking up :)

Offline ElDiablo

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2429 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 02:03:33 PM »
It's weird like, doesn't matter how good life is, at the first sign of a bad day my instinct is always just "f*** it, be easier to top myself". Not like I'm actively suicidal but my brain always goes straight there. Talking about it helps a lot, not like I'm looking for sympathy or even advice but as I voice it I realise how stupid it sounds and that helps me move through it.

In the process of trying to keep all areas of my life in check obviously I've forgotten to order my medication so hoping I can grab it in the morning before the brain zaps kick in. Venlafaxine is great for me but f*** the withdrawals kick in quickly.

Mine are like clockwork, 25 hours until I feel the zaps. Do you get the incredibly f***ed up dreams too?

Just woke up from a series of absolutely mental dreams. :lol:

I'm on about hour 33 and struggling to get out of bed! f***ing dinky little half life.

They're something else. :lol: Worrying.

I hope you were able to get some.

Offline neesy111

  • General Member
  • Madrid, ES
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2430 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 02:11:16 PM »
I've been feeling better recently, things have settled back down recently.

Still will end up moving back to the UK at some point later in the year, or via Dublin (might stay there for a year or 2).

Offline leffe186

  • General Member
  • Akron, Ohio
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2431 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 02:27:44 PM »
Last Friday I had a breakdown, I was at home (childhood home) and my mother walked in on my just losing my s*** not being able to say anything. She called a&e and there were two shrinks and a doctor at our door within fifteen minutes. I'm honestly not sure I'd be posting this now if they hadn't showed up when they did. In a much better place now, hopefully it will last. Shrinks help, even if they have to forcibly hold you down for ten minutes to make you calm before forcing you to speak to them for hours or they'd forcibly commit you :lol:

Talking to people who know what they're listening to/for really f***ing helps. I'm an idiot for not seeing a shrink earlier.

It's true, and man, just know that you're not an idiot for that :lol:. Glad to hear you got that help, and glad you were where you were when that happened. We're here for you, if that helps in any way.
Obviously, I'm speaking of a hypothetical world in which there is a greater club than Tottenham.

Offline leffe186

  • General Member
  • Akron, Ohio
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2432 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 02:34:02 PM »
My big thing the last few weeks, last week especially is the little destructive voice in my head telling me 39 years is enough and not being able to counter it. Therapy this weekend was a massive help.

It's not even close to enough. Knicks last championship was 47 years ago *laugh track*.

Nothing I say will really matter, but you know, Bowie released Blackstar on his 69th birthday, my father-in-law had a double-knee replacement yesterday in his mid-seventies so he can walk (some of) the Appalachian Trail, I'm nearly forty-f***ing-seven and I aim to see my kids survive the post-apocalyptic wasteland until I'm at least 70. Woke up this morning, took the dogs outside, sat watching them just smelling the morning fog. We can do this.
Obviously, I'm speaking of a hypothetical world in which there is a greater club than Tottenham.

Offline SEMTEX

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2433 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 02:37:02 PM »
Weird sharing this.

I've been in a long distance relationship for going on two years. For the past 4-5 month I've been carrying round this lingering feeling of doubt. The once certain, all-in-ness of it all has turned into a kind of fear, of hurting her, of not being able to bring forth the required commitment to create the necessary circumstances for it to have a future and work. Some days I think let's just stop it and cut us both the pain and anxiety. Other times I'm full of energy and hope. I have expressed all of this to her and of course it's emotional. I've been waiting for this feeling of doubt and uncertainty in me to resolve over time but it lingers on and it's so f***ing unfair on her. She's been nothing but committed and caring the whole time. Patient as f*** too, like proper patient. Sometimes staggered by it and it proper shines a harsh light on my shortcomings. I'm meant to be going over to see her next month, but I'm met with this feeling of why. Why go and have a lovely time with her as I always do, just to come home and pick up where I left off with these doubts. I say that not because I'm resigned to repeating the negative s***, but because it's happened before. Was rough, went over, spent a few weeks, mint time, got home - doubt resumed.

Not looking for anyone to solve my issue with a simple answer, but just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences they'd be happy to share either here or in a dm?

Whats your work/life situation? Basically, why is it still a long-distance relationship? Are there wheels turning to change that?

Also, moving closer together and then having it not work out isn't something to be afraid of iyam. Yes it'd be a logistical ball ache, but IMO you're going to feel much better about everything if you've tried to make a go of it, and failed, than if you don't try at all.

Offline Mike

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2434 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 02:44:16 PM »
My big thing the last few weeks, last week especially is the little destructive voice in my head telling me 39 years is enough and not being able to counter it. Therapy this weekend was a massive help.

It's not even close to enough. Knicks last championship was 47 years ago *laugh track*.

Nothing I say will really matter, but you know, Bowie released Blackstar on his 69th birthday, my father-in-law had a double-knee replacement yesterday in his mid-seventies so he can walk (some of) the Appalachian Trail, I'm nearly forty-f***ing-seven and I aim to see my kids survive the post-apocalyptic wasteland until I'm at least 70. Woke up this morning, took the dogs outside, sat watching them just smelling the morning fog. We can do this.
[emoji38] It's appreciated, but I'm a massive failure and I'm pretty certain personal fulfillment or professional pride are not possible. I'll never have a family. Its just today again until I find a lump somewhere.

I'm actually in a solid mood today, [emoji38] so it's not as pressing as it has been but even though I've got sunshine on my face I see those f***ing clouds over there. [emoji38]

All I can do is fight. I'll figure out why while I throw punches.

Offline leffe186

  • General Member
  • Akron, Ohio
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2435 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 04:05:55 PM »
My big thing the last few weeks, last week especially is the little destructive voice in my head telling me 39 years is enough and not being able to counter it. Therapy this weekend was a massive help.

It's not even close to enough. Knicks last championship was 47 years ago *laugh track*.

Nothing I say will really matter, but you know, Bowie released Blackstar on his 69th birthday, my father-in-law had a double-knee replacement yesterday in his mid-seventies so he can walk (some of) the Appalachian Trail, I'm nearly forty-f***ing-seven and I aim to see my kids survive the post-apocalyptic wasteland until I'm at least 70. Woke up this morning, took the dogs outside, sat watching them just smelling the morning fog. We can do this.
[emoji38] It's appreciated, but I'm a massive failure and I'm pretty certain personal fulfillment or professional pride are not possible. I'll never have a family. Its just today again until I find a lump somewhere.

I'm actually in a solid mood today, [emoji38] so it's not as pressing as it has been but even though I've got sunshine on my face I see those f***ing clouds over there. [emoji38]

All I can do is fight. I'll figure out why while I throw punches.

Only way to do it. Don't be afraid to grab and hold either.

I can absolutely guarantee you you're not a massive failure - job number one is to make other people's life a bit better in some way and I can tell you for absolute certain you do that.
Obviously, I'm speaking of a hypothetical world in which there is a greater club than Tottenham.

Offline Ian W

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2436 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 04:10:22 PM »
We’re not really here to ‘achieve’ things anyway are we? We just happen to exist, it’s slightly ridiculous so we may as well ride along.

Here ends my philosophy for today.

Offline leffe186

  • General Member
  • Akron, Ohio
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2437 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 04:18:14 PM »
@Mike Now get into the Random Thoughts Thread and tell me which is the single Bowie song you'd preserve.
Obviously, I'm speaking of a hypothetical world in which there is a greater club than Tottenham.

Offline Si

  • General Member
  • I dont handle change well.
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2438 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 04:22:56 PM »


My big thing the last few weeks, last week especially is the little destructive voice in my head telling me 39 years is enough and not being able to counter it. Therapy this weekend was a massive help.

It's not even close to enough. Knicks last championship was 47 years ago *laugh track*.

Nothing I say will really matter, but you know, Bowie released Blackstar on his 69th birthday, my father-in-law had a double-knee replacement yesterday in his mid-seventies so he can walk (some of) the Appalachian Trail, I'm nearly forty-f***ing-seven and I aim to see my kids survive the post-apocalyptic wasteland until I'm at least 70. Woke up this morning, took the dogs outside, sat watching them just smelling the morning fog. We can do this.
[emoji38] It's appreciated, but I'm a massive failure and I'm pretty certain personal fulfillment or professional pride are not possible. I'll never have a family. Its just today again until I find a lump somewhere.

I'm actually in a solid mood today, [emoji38] so it's not as pressing as it has been but even though I've got sunshine on my face I see those f***ing clouds over there. [emoji38]

All I can do is fight. I'll figure out why while I throw punches.

Only way to do it. Don't be afraid to grab and hold either.

I can absolutely guarantee you you're not a massive failure - job number one is to make other people's life a bit better in some way and I can tell you for absolute certain you do that.

:thup: what he said far more eloquently than I could.

Bearings Straight!

Offline Jill

  • Don't really care what.
  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2439 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 06:33:37 PM »
It's weird like, doesn't matter how good life is, at the first sign of a bad day my instinct is always just "f*** it, be easier to top myself". Not like I'm actively suicidal but my brain always goes straight there. Talking about it helps a lot, not like I'm looking for sympathy or even advice but as I voice it I realise how stupid it sounds and that helps me move through it.

In the process of trying to keep all areas of my life in check obviously I've forgotten to order my medication so hoping I can grab it in the morning before the brain zaps kick in. Venlafaxine is great for me but f*** the withdrawals kick in quickly.

Mine are like clockwork, 25 hours until I feel the zaps. Do you get the incredibly f***ed up dreams too?

Just woke up from a series of absolutely mental dreams. :lol:

I'm on about hour 33 and struggling to get out of bed! f***ing dinky little half life.

They're something else. :lol: Worrying.

I hope you were able to get some.

I managed, just. The prescription was ready but hadn't been signed, had to wait for the doctor to sign it, pacing and sweating trying not to succumb to a panic attack. When a doctor appeared and saw me then saw the prescription he said "how long have you been without?" :lol:

Absolutely no idea what I've done at work today, but I've made it home in one piece.

Offline Consortium of one

  • General Member
  • Connecticut, USA
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2440 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 08:22:07 PM »
We’re not really here to ‘achieve’ things anyway are we? We just happen to exist, it’s slightly ridiculous so we may as well ride along.

Here ends my philosophy for today.

You know if this is all there is and when I die...there's, like, nothing...I'm gonna be p*ssed!   ;D

I'm doing better over the last couple of days.  I just needed to get the bad thoughts out.  I believe that those thoughts, hidden in the dark, get stronger and stronger.  If we shine the light on them they shrivel up and die.  Still, I'm going to discuss those thoughts with my Doctor.  Good things are happening too.  My living situation with my wife is getting clearer and I just had a good review at work.

Offline Anderson

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2441 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 09:09:59 PM »
It's weird like, doesn't matter how good life is, at the first sign of a bad day my instinct is always just "f*** it, be easier to top myself". Not like I'm actively suicidal but my brain always goes straight there. Talking about it helps a lot, not like I'm looking for sympathy or even advice but as I voice it I realise how stupid it sounds and that helps me move through it.

In the process of trying to keep all areas of my life in check obviously I've forgotten to order my medication so hoping I can grab it in the morning before the brain zaps kick in. Venlafaxine is great for me but f*** the withdrawals kick in quickly.

Mine are like clockwork, 25 hours until I feel the zaps. Do you get the incredibly f***ed up dreams too?

Just woke up from a series of absolutely mental dreams. :lol:

I'm on about hour 33 and struggling to get out of bed! f***ing dinky little half life.

They're something else. :lol: Worrying.

I hope you were able to get some.

Man, I don't miss the Venlafaxine side effects at all. :lol: Amount of times I used to wake up swimming in sweat was the worst.

Offline Mike

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2442 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 03:03:55 AM »
:lol: I feel like I'm losing my mind, man. I went to buy a shotgun on Thursday, broke down at the sporting goods store and wept in the car. Didn't buy it. :thup:

Meds ain't working, therapy isn't working. I'm on the hotline multiple times a week. I hate sharing this here, because this is a wonderful place but f***, I told my friend I'm struggling and I haven't heard from him in two months.

Ideally I can be an absolute mess in here and then be a c*** in all the other threads. :thup:

Offline ElDiablo

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2443 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 04:45:41 AM »
Ah mate, sorry to hear things are that tough at the moment. Well done for not going through with buying it. Really, that's f***ing huge.

I don't know your situation at all, but from my own experience if you don't feel like you're connecting with your therapist there's really no point in it. I continued with the same guy for ages when I was younger because it made my mum happy and I ended up just lying to everyone and it made me feel worse. Get that s*** switched up of you can ASAP,  there's some amazing ones out there. Or try to talk to them about changing the nature of the sessions. Be a fascist about it - say if it's not working and be brutally honest about what you think might help you, and if you don't,  ask for their advice.

Keep posting. Don't give up. A fresh start is around the corner.

Online Varadi

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2444 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 07:55:33 AM »
Mike, mate, you're such a top bloke it's awful to hear you struggling like this.

Keep going though, and absolutely use this place as much as you need to, we're all here for you

Offline Si

  • General Member
  • I dont handle change well.
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2445 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 09:01:04 AM »
[emoji38] I feel like I'm losing my mind, man. I went to buy a shotgun on Thursday, broke down at the sporting goods store and wept in the car. Didn't buy it. :thup:

Meds ain't working, therapy isn't working. I'm on the hotline multiple times a week. I hate sharing this here, because this is a wonderful place but f***, I told my friend I'm struggling and I haven't heard from him in two months.

Ideally I can be an absolute mess in here and then be a c*** in all the other threads. :thup:
Mate we're here for you, and rooting for you. I know the system is tough over there how feasible is it to change your therapist/meds? You're a good man and everyone here loves you, vent as much as you need. Others will be able to give you better advice but keep pushing and fighting.
Bearings Straight!

Offline neesy111

  • General Member
  • Madrid, ES
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2446 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 09:05:13 AM »
:lol: I feel like I'm losing my mind, man. I went to buy a shotgun on Thursday, broke down at the sporting goods store and wept in the car. Didn't buy it. :thup:

Meds ain't working, therapy isn't working. I'm on the hotline multiple times a week. I hate sharing this here, because this is a wonderful place but f***, I told my friend I'm struggling and I haven't heard from him in two months.

Ideally I can be an absolute mess in here and then be a c*** in all the other threads. :thup:

Oh man :(

Everyone on here loves you (except Branko).

Offline ManDoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2447 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 09:06:57 AM »
[emoji38] I feel like I'm losing my mind, man. I went to buy a shotgun on Thursday, broke down at the sporting goods store and wept in the car. Didn't buy it. :thup:

Meds ain't working, therapy isn't working. I'm on the hotline multiple times a week. I hate sharing this here, because this is a wonderful place but f***, I told my friend I'm struggling and I haven't heard from him in two months.

Ideally I can be an absolute mess in here and then be a c*** in all the other threads. :thup:
Mate we're here for you, and rooting for you. I know the system is tough over there how feasible is it to change your therapist/meds? You're a good man and everyone here loves you, vent as much as you need. Others will be able to give you better advice but keep pushing and fighting.

Echo this completely, keep posting in here when you need to, I didn’t want to for ages as I’m a very private person but it definitely helped me. You’re a funny, good dude. Plus Pardew is at the mercy of the Dutch ultras right now, I’m taking great pleasure in that, so let’s enjoy that.
:lol: I dunno. I'm starting to think it was us.
Trump will do well man. Don't know why but I really feel this will be the case. Really hope it will come to be that way.

Steve Bruce "“We can’t compete with the bigs boys at the top end so the cup is our best bet - it’s a lovely day out”"

Offline HTT

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  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2448 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 09:16:45 AM »
:lol: I feel like I'm losing my mind, man. I went to buy a shotgun on Thursday, broke down at the sporting goods store and wept in the car. Didn't buy it. :thup:

Meds ain't working, therapy isn't working. I'm on the hotline multiple times a week. I hate sharing this here, because this is a wonderful place but f***, I told my friend I'm struggling and I haven't heard from him in two months.

Ideally I can be an absolute mess in here and then be a c*** in all the other threads. :thup:

Oh man :(

Everyone on here loves you (except Branko).

This
Wee Hughie - the greatest centre-forward Newcastle United ever had

Offline Interpolic

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  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2449 on: Monday 2 March 2020, 10:14:23 AM »
Hate hearing you're feeling like this, Mike.  You're sound AF and you couldn't deserve this any less.

You need to keep trying different things until you get to something that works.  And you will do if you give yourself some time.

I was badly suicidal about 2 years ago and various times since.  Done 4 types of therapy and 3 types of medication in that time and only now starting to settle on a bearable situation.  And it's actually really worth it once you get there, which I'd started to doubt would be the case.

How long you been on the meds?  Same ones for 6 months ish yet?  Might be time for a change.  Last time I went to the GP and specifically asked for fluoxetine, felt a bit of a cheeky c*** doing so but I was right tbh as I knew it was something that agreed with me.

Also might sound like a ridiculously small thing but you got a step counter on your phone?  I definitely see a correlation between not many steps in a day and starting to slip back into the darkness again.  8k steps plus most days and tend to feel alright.

Keep going man, you're (probably) trying to address a lifetime of stacked up pain and dodgy thinking and it will take time to switch course.