Author Topic: Experiences of depression and anxiety  (Read 129901 times)

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Offline ManDoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2400 on: Friday 21 February 2020, 12:17:16 PM »
Yeah I'm really excited, I have the PDF they sent me, just let me dig it out.

https://mood-disorders.co.uk/research/psilocybin-study

so the dosages are very very low:

"The study will analyse the effects of a single administration of psilocybin at three doses (1mg, 10mg, 25mg) in 216 patients. All patients on antidepressants must taper off them within 3-6 weeks prior to baseline (the study team will manage this). The study includes 13-16 visits, two of which can be done remotely, over a 15-18 week period. A specially trained study therapist will support every participant before, during and after the psilocybin session."

I have a better full PDF of the exact trial, dosages, controls etc if you would be interested





:lol: I dunno. I'm starting to think it was us.
Trump will do well man. Don't know why but I really feel this will be the case. Really hope it will come to be that way.

Steve Bruce "“We can’t compete with the bigs boys at the top end so the cup is our best bet - it’s a lovely day out”"

Offline ManDoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2401 on: Friday 21 February 2020, 12:18:55 PM »
Is medical psilocybin still hallucinogenic?

Aye it's the same compound. They're trying to make analogues with reduced hallucinogenic properties at the moment, but a lot of people think it's these effects which are part of the reason they can work so well. It's a very interesting field of study.

Yes, from what I have read (obvs you'll be far more learned than me on the technical details) its a threshold does so you experience mild disturbances of visual field etc, but it won't be like DMT or similar and a full blown psychedelic trip, which i wouldn't mind, within reason. Mushrooms are a cruel mistress if you get it wrong
:lol: I dunno. I'm starting to think it was us.
Trump will do well man. Don't know why but I really feel this will be the case. Really hope it will come to be that way.

Steve Bruce "“We can’t compete with the bigs boys at the top end so the cup is our best bet - it’s a lovely day out”"


Offline ManDoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2403 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 11:18:56 AM »
Had a complete meltdown yesterday. Was scouting a match and just had this crushing feeling of worthlessness come over me, decided I hated my life, my car (I know), everything. Left early and was driving randomly round Glasgow, nearly crashed twice (not into people, would never put anyone else at risk for ever) Just felt like smashing my car into a tree. I’m at my fiancé’s now, but still feel this s*** feeling. Like self destructing, it was almost like I wanted to f*** up, leaving the game early, driving terribly. Idk like unneeded a solution that I can’t find. I can usually think my way out of things but I can’t do it with this. I can’t find solutions. It was like I needed to crash my car, just to clear my head. That sounds crazy I know. And to be clear I wasn’t driving badly around other road users, just roads with no one on them
:lol: I dunno. I'm starting to think it was us.
Trump will do well man. Don't know why but I really feel this will be the case. Really hope it will come to be that way.

Steve Bruce "“We can’t compete with the bigs boys at the top end so the cup is our best bet - it’s a lovely day out”"

Offline Mike

  • General Member
  • Long Island, NY
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2404 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 12:20:51 PM »
Felt like that last week, tbh. If there's a solution I haven't got it. Somehow I feel obligated to fight. Dunno why, or what for, but I do.

[emoji38] This reply is no help at all.

Offline Consortium of one

  • General Member
  • Connecticut, USA
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2405 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 02:04:14 PM »
This guy was a star for UConn Men's basketball.  We called him "Madison Square Gordon" because very time he played there he went off.  He went on to have a very solid NBA career and then he just fell apart.  He describes our disease so well.

https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/ben-gordon-mental-health-nba?utm_source=UConn+Daily&utm_campaign=ddfb870147-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2020_02_24_12_25&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_fdfe454af7-ddfb870147-45896891

There are mental health articles on the site.

Don't give up.  NEVER GIVE UP.

You are worth it.

Offline Dokko

  • TT
  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2406 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 03:16:12 PM »
Had a complete meltdown yesterday. Was scouting a match and just had this crushing feeling of worthlessness come over me, decided I hated my life, my car (I know), everything. Left early and was driving randomly round Glasgow, nearly crashed twice (not into people, would never put anyone else at risk for ever) Just felt like smashing my car into a tree. I’m at my fiancé’s now, but still feel this s*** feeling. Like self destructing, it was almost like I wanted to f*** up, leaving the game early, driving terribly. Idk like unneeded a solution that I can’t find. I can usually think my way out of things but I can’t do it with this. I can’t find solutions. It was like I needed to crash my car, just to clear my head. That sounds crazy I know. And to be clear I wasn’t driving badly around other road users, just roads with no one on them

We all process things differently but that sounds a lot like this for me:


Still though, wasn't enough a few Friday's ago, was left alone as family were away, no one to talk to and well, shocked myself a little...It was crazy, had a tough day at work, real shitter, but plan was to pick the bairn up, spend an hour with him before dropping him off at his Aunties. I did this, but as soon as the car door shut and the silence kicked in my mood dropped off a cliff, sitting in my car and 1st thought was to just drive in a straight line and in over the edge of the fishquay. I was p*ssed at myself, so went for the easy option: Avoidance. Alcohol. From there a blur. I do remember crying, first time since 25 June, the day i went in to the docs.


For me it's like that feeling of remembering something you did years back which haunts you, but a thousand times stronger. I can feel it physically, like i've been shocked/scared by something....then empty. That empty feeling (empty now, but for years i just hated everything about myself, kicking myself to bits with my own thoughts) then haunting me to want to do something to fill it, usually something extreme, and because this happened a lot when i was low it was always a massively negative extreme...press the self destruct button with no care for anything (as i was empty and detached from reality it's like there is nothing to lose in regards of consequence)

It's a really dangerous place to be, but I've found its passing. You did the right thing, get around someone who cares, someone who can support you, change your way of thinking. For me it only takes a spark (now, didn't used to) to get me back on the upward spiral.

I still have them. Had one the other night. Putting the bairn to bed, having a great time playing make believe, he started dozing then bam, off a cliff again. This time 1st thought was about my mate who killed himself a few year back and how guilty i felt for enjoying myself and what if he had kids, would he have? Why do i feel like this when i've got something so special....down the rabbit hole. I lay, felt myself tearing up, wanted to just go to bed at that point, but (this is where the therapy kicks in) i made myself go back downstairs, i was about to tell my partner what had happened (therapy again) but the dogs wanted out. Went and let them out and Rocky (clumsiest Dachshund in the world) thought he long body was pissing on the grass but he was on the ledge and the daft sod fell off mid p*ss. I burst out laughing as he looked at me like i did it to him. Came back in still laughing, sat down, then i realised about 10mins later that i was ok, i'd broke the downwards spiral and was on my way back up. To reinforce this once i'd realised I started playing with both dogs for a bit before cuddling up, felt content and that was that.

Off topic but had a therapy session on Friday and one thing that hit me a bit was Caroline Flack's death. I don't do LI, didn't follow her or any celeb news but i just knew instantly when my lass said you seen the news about her, my reply was she's killed herself hasn't she? Now i might be wrong, but my thoughts led me to that drop off a cliff. Her mate was round and she popped to the shops (that is true) i pictured that door shutting as she left (that moment i had in the car) delivering silence then her action. Could easily be wrong and her thoughts were elsewhere, but it triggered something in me this week. I was wound up for the next few days as everyone blamed the media without any awareness its down to them the media chase people like her and print stories. But i wasn't the only one. All week the therapist had had stories of clients relating; it feeling personal as they'd felt they'd been mentally where she was. So back to the start really, that we will all process this differently but there is some relation there and that means its treatable with the right support, so don't feel like it will never go away or be under control because given time you will get back on top of it. :)
 

Offline ManDoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2407 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 05:42:20 PM »
Felt like that last week, tbh. If there's a solution I haven't got it. Somehow I feel obligated to fight. Dunno why, or what for, but I do.

[emoji38] This reply is no help at all.

Nah it does help man, always better to know I’m not some complete lunatic and at least people have the same thing.
:lol: I dunno. I'm starting to think it was us.
Trump will do well man. Don't know why but I really feel this will be the case. Really hope it will come to be that way.

Steve Bruce "“We can’t compete with the bigs boys at the top end so the cup is our best bet - it’s a lovely day out”"

Offline ManDoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2408 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 05:45:59 PM »
Had a complete meltdown yesterday. Was scouting a match and just had this crushing feeling of worthlessness come over me, decided I hated my life, my car (I know), everything. Left early and was driving randomly round Glasgow, nearly crashed twice (not into people, would never put anyone else at risk for ever) Just felt like smashing my car into a tree. I’m at my fiancé’s now, but still feel this s*** feeling. Like self destructing, it was almost like I wanted to f*** up, leaving the game early, driving terribly. Idk like unneeded a solution that I can’t find. I can usually think my way out of things but I can’t do it with this. I can’t find solutions. It was like I needed to crash my car, just to clear my head. That sounds crazy I know. And to be clear I wasn’t driving badly around other road users, just roads with no one on them

We all process things differently but that sounds a lot like this for me:


Still though, wasn't enough a few Friday's ago, was left alone as family were away, no one to talk to and well, shocked myself a little...It was crazy, had a tough day at work, real shitter, but plan was to pick the bairn up, spend an hour with him before dropping him off at his Aunties. I did this, but as soon as the car door shut and the silence kicked in my mood dropped off a cliff, sitting in my car and 1st thought was to just drive in a straight line and in over the edge of the fishquay. I was p*ssed at myself, so went for the easy option: Avoidance. Alcohol. From there a blur. I do remember crying, first time since 25 June, the day i went in to the docs.


For me it's like that feeling of remembering something you did years back which haunts you, but a thousand times stronger. I can feel it physically, like i've been shocked/scared by something....then empty. That empty feeling (empty now, but for years i just hated everything about myself, kicking myself to bits with my own thoughts) then haunting me to want to do something to fill it, usually something extreme, and because this happened a lot when i was low it was always a massively negative extreme...press the self destruct button with no care for anything (as i was empty and detached from reality it's like there is nothing to lose in regards of consequence)

It's a really dangerous place to be, but I've found its passing. You did the right thing, get around someone who cares, someone who can support you, change your way of thinking. For me it only takes a spark (now, didn't used to) to get me back on the upward spiral.

I still have them. Had one the other night. Putting the bairn to bed, having a great time playing make believe, he started dozing then bam, off a cliff again. This time 1st thought was about my mate who killed himself a few year back and how guilty i felt for enjoying myself and what if he had kids, would he have? Why do i feel like this when i've got something so special....down the rabbit hole. I lay, felt myself tearing up, wanted to just go to bed at that point, but (this is where the therapy kicks in) i made myself go back downstairs, i was about to tell my partner what had happened (therapy again) but the dogs wanted out. Went and let them out and Rocky (clumsiest Dachshund in the world) thought he long body was pissing on the grass but he was on the ledge and the daft sod fell off mid p*ss. I burst out laughing as he looked at me like i did it to him. Came back in still laughing, sat down, then i realised about 10mins later that i was ok, i'd broke the downwards spiral and was on my way back up. To reinforce this once i'd realised I started playing with both dogs for a bit before cuddling up, felt content and that was that.

Off topic but had a therapy session on Friday and one thing that hit me a bit was Caroline Flack's death. I don't do LI, didn't follow her or any celeb news but i just knew instantly when my lass said you seen the news about her, my reply was she's killed herself hasn't she? Now i might be wrong, but my thoughts led me to that drop off a cliff. Her mate was round and she popped to the shops (that is true) i pictured that door shutting as she left (that moment i had in the car) delivering silence then her action. Could easily be wrong and her thoughts were elsewhere, but it triggered something in me this week. I was wound up for the next few days as everyone blamed the media without any awareness its down to them the media chase people like her and print stories. But i wasn't the only one. All week the therapist had had stories of clients relating; it feeling personal as they'd felt they'd been mentally where she was. So back to the start really, that we will all process this differently but there is some relation there and that means its treatable with the right support, so don't feel like it will never go away or be under control because given time you will get back on top of it. :)

Man that is exactly how it is for me, you’ve literally described what happens to me, and how I deal with it. It’s like out of nowhere, I was fine and then I just thought f*** this, I don’t care about any of this anymore, not any point, left the game early, wanted to just ram my car into a tree. I’m exactly the same I don’t feel anything has consequences, I was praying for the police to pull me over so I could talk myself into them arresting me, even though I’d done nothing wrong I wanted the confrontation and just something to happen.
:lol: I dunno. I'm starting to think it was us.
Trump will do well man. Don't know why but I really feel this will be the case. Really hope it will come to be that way.

Steve Bruce "“We can’t compete with the bigs boys at the top end so the cup is our best bet - it’s a lovely day out”"

Offline Consortium of one

  • General Member
  • Connecticut, USA
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2409 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 06:21:32 PM »
These days it comes from out of no where for me, too.  I don't have to be in a mood or had a crappy day.  I'll be driving and it like, "I can hit that tree" or "If I catch that rail just right I can tumble down that hill."

I see a med doctor every 4 months.  She always ask me if I've had homicidal or suicidal thoughts.  I always say no.   I don't want another 72 hour stay.

I don't think I'll ever do it but I don't know.  Maybe someday I'll give in. Maybe I won't allow myself to think it through.  It's funny, if I do think it through its like it has to definitely look like an accident or my wife and son wouldn't be able to cash in the life insurance.

I thought about suicide all the time when I was drinking and drugging.  I got clean and sober and while I battled depression I never had those thoughts.  In 2015 I had cancer and the steroids and chemo really f***ed with my head.  I would be stuck sitting and thinking the same thought over and over.  My dreams were like assembly lines, doing the same things over and over.  Eventually I was catatonic and after a couple of visits to the hospital I got help.  But I have never been the same.

I'm one of those guys too.  It's my problem, I'll deal with it.  I've gotten help though and am on medication and it helps, it really does,but I'm not ready to go that last step and really be honest with someone.

Its weird, I can sit in an AA meeting and talk about how I feel but put me one on one with a person, even my sponsor of 27 years, and I can't...I just can't.  If you have a problem, I will help you with it.  If I have a problem, it's mine.

I hope this kind of thinking doesn't damn me in the end.  Because I should know better.

Offline Mike

  • General Member
  • Long Island, NY
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2410 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 06:34:06 PM »
:lol: I really appreciated that my therapist allowed me to speak freely on my mindset this week because I was absolutely f***ed.

Offline ManDoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2411 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 07:10:25 PM »
These days it comes from out of no where for me, too.  I don't have to be in a mood or had a crappy day.  I'll be driving and it like, "I can hit that tree" or "If I catch that rail just right I can tumble down that hill."

I see a med doctor every 4 months.  She always ask me if I've had homicidal or suicidal thoughts.  I always say no.   I don't want another 72 hour stay.

I don't think I'll ever do it but I don't know.  Maybe someday I'll give in. Maybe I won't allow myself to think it through.  It's funny, if I do think it through its like it has to definitely look like an accident or my wife and son wouldn't be able to cash in the life insurance.

I thought about suicide all the time when I was drinking and drugging.  I got clean and sober and while I battled depression I never had those thoughts.  In 2015 I had cancer and the steroids and chemo really f***ed with my head.  I would be stuck sitting and thinking the same thought over and over.  My dreams were like assembly lines, doing the same things over and over.  Eventually I was catatonic and after a couple of visits to the hospital I got help.  But I have never been the same.

I'm one of those guys too.  It's my problem, I'll deal with it.  I've gotten help though and am on medication and it helps, it really does,but I'm not ready to go that last step and really be honest with someone.

Its weird, I can sit in an AA meeting and talk about how I feel but put me one on one with a person, even my sponsor of 27 years, and I can't...I just can't.  If you have a problem, I will help you with it.  If I have a problem, it's mine.

I hope this kind of thinking doesn't damn me in the end.  Because I should know better.

First part is exact what I think all the time. And yeah same they ask me the same stuff “are you suicidal?” And I’m like no, not at all. Would rather lie than risk being put somewhere. Really sorry to hear about the cancer and you’ve got immense mental and physical strength to battle past that, and addiction so you should be very proud of yourself man.
:lol: I dunno. I'm starting to think it was us.
Trump will do well man. Don't know why but I really feel this will be the case. Really hope it will come to be that way.

Steve Bruce "“We can’t compete with the bigs boys at the top end so the cup is our best bet - it’s a lovely day out”"

Offline Ian W

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2412 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 07:31:58 PM »
If you said yes, wouldn’t they just try to help you?

Offline Consortium of one

  • General Member
  • Connecticut, USA
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2413 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 07:48:20 PM »
ManDoon, if I can do it, you can too.  Even if we don't do it perfectly  :)

Ian, that's the really screwy part of mental illness.  Like addiction, it's a disease that tells you that you don't have a disease.  If I strongly or continually considered acting on those thoughts I would get help ASAP.  If I said, yeah, I have random thoughts...I don't know what they would do.  Over the last few years it's something I've learned to deal with.

Offline Newintoon

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2414 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 07:56:12 PM »
Have u looked up intrusive thoughts consortium of one, I use to get similar when I was down, once I relieased what they were and I wasn’t the only one who suffers from them it helped a lot, it was almost like I know ur an intrusive thought u can f*** off but yeh ur right if u ever think of acting on them definitely time to get help

Offline Ian W

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2415 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 08:15:15 PM »
ManDoon, if I can do it, you can too.  Even if we don't do it perfectly  :)

Ian, that's the really screwy part of mental illness.  Like addiction, it's a disease that tells you that you don't have a disease.  If I strongly or continually considered acting on those thoughts I would get help ASAP.  If I said, yeah, I have random thoughts...I don't know what they would do.  Over the last few years it's something I've learned to deal with.

Yeah I get that, I just mean I’m sure you would just be treated well if you admitted to suicidal thoughts. Also fast tracked for treatment I guess.

Offline Ian W

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2416 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 08:17:22 PM »
Jeez man, so pleased you got help.

Offline Yorkie

  • General Member
  • C'mTA
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2417 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 08:27:41 PM »
Really troubles me seeing you folks going through such difficulties. Thoughts with you all.

Offline Consortium of one

  • General Member
  • Connecticut, USA
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2418 on: Monday 24 February 2020, 09:34:43 PM »
ManDoon, if I can do it, you can too.  Even if we don't do it perfectly  :)

Ian, that's the really screwy part of mental illness.  Like addiction, it's a disease that tells you that you don't have a disease.  If I strongly or continually considered acting on those thoughts I would get help ASAP.  If I said, yeah, I have random thoughts...I don't know what they would do.  Over the last few years it's something I've learned to deal with.

Yeah I get that, I just mean I’m sure you would just be treated well if you admitted to suicidal thoughts. Also fast tracked for treatment I guess.

Agreed.  You folks are also the first people who know this about me.  Everyone else sees me as the guy that's always upbeat, has the encouraging words and can be relied upon no matter what.

And therein lies the trap.  It can't possibly happen to me again.

Well, I confided in all of you, albeit anonymously, but it's still a step in the right direction.

Thanks you.

Offline Mike

  • General Member
  • Long Island, NY
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2419 on: Tuesday 25 February 2020, 12:41:47 AM »
My big thing the last few weeks, last week especially is the little destructive voice in my head telling me 39 years is enough and not being able to counter it. Therapy this weekend was a massive help.

Offline ElDiablo

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2420 on: Tuesday 25 February 2020, 12:54:44 AM »
Really troubles me seeing you folks going through such difficulties. Thoughts with you all.

This. Don't post much in here but I read all the comments and am rooting for everyone.

Offline mrmojorisin75

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2421 on: Tuesday 25 February 2020, 12:40:32 PM »
Really troubles me seeing you folks going through such difficulties. Thoughts with you all.

This. Don't post much in here but I read all the comments and am rooting for everyone.
So raise your fists and march around
Dont dare take what you need
I'll jail and bury those committed
And smother the rest in greed
Crawl with me into tomorrow
Or i'll drag you to your grave
I'm deep inside your children
They'll betray you in my name

Sleep now in the fire

Offline Jill

  • Don't really care what.
  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2422 on: Tuesday 25 February 2020, 09:10:39 PM »
It's weird like, doesn't matter how good life is, at the first sign of a bad day my instinct is always just "f*** it, be easier to top myself". Not like I'm actively suicidal but my brain always goes straight there. Talking about it helps a lot, not like I'm looking for sympathy or even advice but as I voice it I realise how stupid it sounds and that helps me move through it.

In the process of trying to keep all areas of my life in check obviously I've forgotten to order my medication so hoping I can grab it in the morning before the brain zaps kick in. Venlafaxine is great for me but f*** the withdrawals kick in quickly.

Offline Infinitely Content

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2423 on: Tuesday 25 February 2020, 10:17:00 PM »
Weird sharing this.

I've been in a long distance relationship for going on two years. For the past 4-5 month I've been carrying round this lingering feeling of doubt. The once certain, all-in-ness of it all has turned into a kind of fear, of hurting her, of not being able to bring forth the required commitment to create the necessary circumstances for it to have a future and work. Some days I think let's just stop it and cut us both the pain and anxiety. Other times I'm full of energy and hope. I have expressed all of this to her and of course it's emotional. I've been waiting for this feeling of doubt and uncertainty in me to resolve over time but it lingers on and it's so f***ing unfair on her. She's been nothing but committed and caring the whole time. Patient as f*** too, like proper patient. Sometimes staggered by it and it proper shines a harsh light on my shortcomings. I'm meant to be going over to see her next month, but I'm met with this feeling of why. Why go and have a lovely time with her as I always do, just to come home and pick up where I left off with these doubts. I say that not because I'm resigned to repeating the negative s***, but because it's happened before. Was rough, went over, spent a few weeks, mint time, got home - doubt resumed.

Not looking for anyone to solve my issue with a simple answer, but just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences they'd be happy to share either here or in a dm?

Offline ElDiablo

  • General Member
Re: Experiences of depression and anxiety
« Reply #2424 on: Wednesday 26 February 2020, 02:01:21 AM »
It's weird like, doesn't matter how good life is, at the first sign of a bad day my instinct is always just "f*** it, be easier to top myself". Not like I'm actively suicidal but my brain always goes straight there. Talking about it helps a lot, not like I'm looking for sympathy or even advice but as I voice it I realise how stupid it sounds and that helps me move through it.

In the process of trying to keep all areas of my life in check obviously I've forgotten to order my medication so hoping I can grab it in the morning before the brain zaps kick in. Venlafaxine is great for me but f*** the withdrawals kick in quickly.

Mine are like clockwork, 25 hours until I feel the zaps. Do you get the incredibly f***ed up dreams too?