Author Topic: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread  (Read 200028 times)

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DoWorkSon

  • Guest
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #100 on: Wednesday 23 September 2009, 12:34:52 AM »
Seems a reasonable place to put this:

Sound familiar?

A new sign in the bank lobby reads:

'Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, male & female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is likely to be true!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Apply hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kms.
27. Release hand brake.
 :smug:


that actually is probably 90% true for females!
:blush: lol

Offline Jayson

  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #101 on: Wednesday 23 September 2009, 12:58:12 AM »
Explained to me other day that when people are in space, time works differently.
A year can pass down here, people in space experience it as something like 10 years. Or vice versa. She couldnt remember.

Technically, it does. You'd need to understand physics to understand why though.

Time working differently in space, wasnt the dopey part of the post.

Haris Vuckic

  • Guest
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #102 on: Wednesday 23 September 2009, 01:00:45 AM »
As in she think people perceive time differently in space.

e.g, a year feels like ten.

Offline Shearergol

  • General Member
  • The Dirty Pitchers
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #103 on: Wednesday 23 September 2009, 11:44:33 AM »
Explained to me other day that when people are in space, time works differently.
A year can pass down here, people in space experience it as something like 10 years. Or vice versa. She couldnt remember.

Technically, it does. You'd need to understand physics to understand why though.

Time working differently in space, wasnt the dopey part of the post.

Oh. I ignored that part. D'oh.

Offline Fenham Mag

  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #104 on: Wednesday 23 September 2009, 12:52:17 PM »
"I've just found out at work tonight that Jarra isn't in Newcastle"

"Are Hamburgers the same as Beefburgers?"

Ive had this , we were at Leeds festival together and i got a burger from the food stand. Now my gf never eats beef as she thinks she'll get mad cow disease. Shes asks "Whats that?" and i said a Hamburger so she has a bite. The day later i said you do realise you ate beef yesterday and she said "No it was Hamburger made from Ham"  :mackems:
I really like Fenham Mag. Great guy and a very good poster.

Roger Kint

  • Guest
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #105 on: Wednesday 23 September 2009, 02:31:04 PM »
"I've just found out at work tonight that Jarra isn't in Newcastle"

"Are Hamburgers the same as Beefburgers?"

If your lass is from jarra am willing to bet i know here haha ;D

Offline Lotus

  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #106 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 10:10:06 AM »
When discussing the phonetic alphabet:

'Is s c for charlie?'
The aim of science is not to open the door to infinite wisdom, but to set a limit to infinite error.

Offline Lotus

  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #107 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 10:23:17 AM »
I knew this Italian bird who used to manage a Starbucks and she was always complaining about one of her staff:

'Heee's sucha laazy bastaart. Heee take reeeeaaally long brrrreaks, i'ma gonna complayyne to the area manager about heeem, heee's always bloody skydiving during heeee's fag breaks!'

'I wouldn't say that if i were you...'

'Why, iiiit's troooo, fugging skydiving bastart!'

'I promise you he isn't'

'You don iven know 'im and you'rrrre defendin 'im! Fuiggin men!'
The aim of science is not to open the door to infinite wisdom, but to set a limit to infinite error.

Offline BlueStar

  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #108 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 10:54:40 AM »
Of a poor start to the Fantasy Football season "It's a marathon, not a race."

"I've got some disposable aspirin" (Think she means dispersable.)

Offline GeordieMessiah

  • Forum Colossus
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #109 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 03:05:26 PM »
I knew this Italian bird who used to manage a Starbucks and she was always complaining about one of her staff:

'Heee's sucha laazy bastaart. Heee take reeeeaaally long brrrreaks, i'ma gonna complayyne to the area manager about heeem, heee's always bloody skydiving during heeee's fag breaks!'

'I wouldn't say that if i were you...'

'Why, iiiit's troooo, fugging skydiving bastart!'

'I promise you he isn't'

'You don iven know 'im and you'rrrre defendin 'im! Fuiggin men!'

:lol:
Whether it's God or the bomb
It's just the same
It's only fear under another name
And the corporate snakes coming in to feed
On that pathetic fact known as human greed
Skin and bone being raked over those hot coals
This dump never seems to give time for human soul

Offline madras

  • Philosoraptor
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #110 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 05:59:18 PM »
reversing out of a parking space the wife asked "whats behind me ?"

"your best years" i replied

she didn't laugh.
Bullshitters misrepresent themselves to their audience not as liars do, that is, by deliberately making false claims about what is true. In fact, bullshit need not be untrue at all.

Rather, bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true. They quietly change the rules governing their end of the conversation so that claims about truth and falsity are irrelevant.

Offline GeordieMessiah

  • Forum Colossus
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #111 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 06:00:07 PM »
reversing out of a parking space the wife asked "whats behind me ?"

"your best years" i replied

she didn't laugh.

:lol: Les Dawson would be proud, mate.
Whether it's God or the bomb
It's just the same
It's only fear under another name
And the corporate snakes coming in to feed
On that pathetic fact known as human greed
Skin and bone being raked over those hot coals
This dump never seems to give time for human soul

Offline Jill

  • Don't really care what.
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #112 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 06:01:37 PM »
reversing out of a parking space the wife asked "whats behind me ?"

"your best years" i replied

she didn't laugh.

You would've got a sharp f***ing slap from me for that.  :lol:

Oh and to my dearest boyfriend who often browses this forum... don't even f***ing think about it. :knuppel2:

Offline madras

  • Philosoraptor
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #113 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 06:05:01 PM »
reversing out of a parking space the wife asked "whats behind me ?"

"your best years" i replied

she didn't laugh.

You would've got a sharp f***ing slap from me for that.  :lol:

Oh and to my dearest boyfriend who often browses this forum... don't even f***ing think about it. :knuppel2:
i was giggling all the way home.

she still doesn't like it when after "being friendly" i tell her shes the oldest woman i've ever shagged. i'm just doing it often enough so that i'll stop doing it one day to get her worried.
Bullshitters misrepresent themselves to their audience not as liars do, that is, by deliberately making false claims about what is true. In fact, bullshit need not be untrue at all.

Rather, bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true. They quietly change the rules governing their end of the conversation so that claims about truth and falsity are irrelevant.

Offline Haz

  • formerly known as Haswell
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #114 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 06:47:00 PM »
You sir are a f***ing role model.
Drinking alcohol never solves anything. But neither does drinking milk.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley

Offline Pilko

  • General Member
  • Bunsen burner
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #115 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 06:56:39 PM »
reversing out of a parking space the wife asked "whats behind me ?"

"your best years" i replied

she didn't laugh.

:lol:

class.
"Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car. Perception." - David Brent

Offline Interpolic

  • Drossbot 5000
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #116 on: Friday 25 September 2009, 07:04:27 PM »
reversing out of a parking space the wife asked "whats behind me ?"

"your best years" i replied

she didn't laugh.

You would've got a sharp f***ing slap from me for that.  :lol:

Oh and to my dearest boyfriend who often browses this forum... don't even f***ing think about it. :knuppel2:
i was giggling all the way home.

she still doesn't like it when after "being friendly" i tell her shes the oldest woman i've ever shagged. i'm just doing it often enough so that i'll stop doing it one day to get her worried.

:lol: f***ing hell.

Lazlo

  • Guest
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #117 on: Sunday 27 September 2009, 07:51:28 PM »
Driving past the old empress at whitley bay (spanish city)

'I didn't realise whitley bay had a mosque'


f***ing beat that for thickness, jesus

firetotheworks

  • Guest
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #118 on: Sunday 27 September 2009, 07:57:02 PM »
'Have you showed your dad your hole?'

When she first met my dad the day after I'd pulled a wall plug out of the wall and left a massive hole in it.

Offline Haz

  • formerly known as Haswell
  • General Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #119 on: Sunday 27 September 2009, 08:13:28 PM »
Driving past the old empress at whitley bay (spanish city)

'I didn't realise whitley bay had a mosque'


f***ing beat that for thickness, jesus



And we have a winner..............
Drinking alcohol never solves anything. But neither does drinking milk.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley

Lazlo

  • Guest
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #120 on: Sunday 27 September 2009, 08:23:17 PM »
Driving past the old empress at whitley bay (spanish city)

'I didn't realise whitley bay had a mosque'


f***ing beat that for thickness, jesus



And we have a winner..............

Honestly, i wish it wasn't true.

Offline SEMTEX

  • General Member
  • let me in
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #121 on: Sunday 27 September 2009, 09:13:11 PM »
Driving past the old empress at whitley bay (spanish city)

'I didn't realise whitley bay had a mosque'


f***ing beat that for thickness, jesus

End of thread. :lol:

Haris Vuckic

  • Guest
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #122 on: Sunday 27 September 2009, 09:24:41 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline Mowen

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  • Sepp Blatter w*****
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #123 on: Tuesday 29 September 2009, 02:17:00 PM »
Her - singing the Millenium prayer. Stops. What's that song you sing at New Years?

Me - you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Her - that's the one. How does it go?

Me - are you joking?

Her - no, how does it go?

Me - you were just singing it you idiot.

Her - Wow...I never realised it was to the tune of auld lang syne. I wondered how I knew the tune...that makes sense with the millenium part of the title too. Clever.
Under-21 coach David Platt added: "If Shola recognises what he's got, all hell could break loose."

Offline NE6

  • General Member
  • Forum Member
Re: The Stupid things your Lass has said thread.
« Reply #124 on: Tuesday 29 September 2009, 03:45:56 PM »
Driving past the old empress at whitley bay (spanish city)

'I didn't realise whitley bay had a mosque'


f***ing beat that for thickness, jesus



And we have a winner..............

Honestly, i wish it wasn't true.

f***ing hell, thats the best to date like :)