Author Topic: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)  (Read 379567 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Bowie

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6375 on: Wednesday 21 August 2019, 08:23:00 AM »
Either way, it's better than that s**** Talking Heads one. :lol:

Offline Bowie

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6376 on: Wednesday 21 August 2019, 08:23:11 AM »
new page joker

Offline Bowie

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6377 on: Wednesday 21 August 2019, 08:23:41 AM »
why did the boy fall off the swing?





























































because someone threw a fuckin fridge off him

Offline SheikhShearer

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6378 on: Wednesday 21 August 2019, 09:27:28 AM »
Either way, it's better than that s**** Talking Heads one. :lol:

:lol: :lol: made that one up myself, I knew fine well it was bollocks :lol:

Offline SheikhShearer

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6379 on: Wednesday 21 August 2019, 04:27:15 PM »
Another Neil Hamburger "classic":

Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?

Well, because he had a terrible problem with windows.


...just horrible :lol:

Offline kingkerouac

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6380 on: Thursday 22 August 2019, 07:40:43 AM »
Another Neil Hamburger "classic":

Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?

Well, because he had a terrible problem with windows.


...just horrible :lol:

I remember his classic
'What do you get if you cross Elton John and a Sabre-Toothed Tiger?'
'I dunno, but I wouldn't let it anywhere near your arse'

Offline SheikhShearer

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6381 on: Thursday 22 August 2019, 08:22:17 AM »
Another Neil Hamburger "classic":

Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?

Well, because he had a terrible problem with windows.


...just horrible :lol:

I remember his classic
'What do you get if you cross Elton John and a Sabre-Toothed Tiger?'
'I dunno, but I wouldn't let it anywhere near your arse'

God I f***ing love him. Saw him live in Manchester a couple of months back, definitely my favourite comedian.

Offline SheikhShearer

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6382 on: Saturday 24 August 2019, 07:31:09 PM »
12 secrets that McDonald's employees won't tell you:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.

They wouldn't tell me either


Offline Tyne81

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6383 on: Thursday 29 August 2019, 05:27:12 PM »
I was mugged by 6 dwarfs last night. Not happy.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6384 on: Thursday 29 August 2019, 08:12:30 PM »
:lol:  Is this thread Peter Beardsley's "joke book"?



:spit: Amazing
And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make

Offline Optimistic Nut

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6385 on: Sunday 1 September 2019, 12:49:32 PM »
Where do I see myself next year? I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.
?s=21

Offline Bowie

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6386 on: Monday 2 September 2019, 09:49:08 AM »
I made up a s**** joke/pun yesterday:

You've decided to do some jeans washing and the load has now finished.

What do you say when you open the washing machine door?

Hygenes!

Offline Incognito

  • General Member
  • Get your hands off me you freak
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6387 on: Monday 23 September 2019, 04:14:56 PM »
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. Ill give you the night to consider your options."

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen.''
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Offline Troll

  • Book Wanker
  • General Member
  • Get outta here, snail!
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6388 on: Tuesday 24 September 2019, 03:57:47 AM »
:lol:  Is this thread Peter Beardsley's "joke book"?

:spit: Amazing

:lol:  Another great one from Pedro today.

I just interviewed a bloke for a job.  "Can you perform under pressure," I asked.   "No," he replied, "but I do a great Bohemian Rhapsody".

Offline Decky

  • General Member
  • ashleyout.com
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6389 on: Friday 25 October 2019, 03:33:06 PM »
I went to my local Chinese last night and ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The c*** tipped it loose into a plastic bag. I said what the f*** are you doing? He said we're not allowed to put Chinese into containers anymore.
Steve Bruce, liar, s*** manager and general prick.

Offline Darth Crooks

  • General Member
  • The greatest show on Darth
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6390 on: Friday 25 October 2019, 03:41:04 PM »
Wondered how long it would be

Offline Tyne81

  • General Member
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6391 on: Friday 15 November 2019, 03:58:22 PM »
I just tried that new Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth".

They also do takeaway.

Offline Si

  • General Member
  • I dont handle change well.
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6392 on: Friday 15 November 2019, 04:41:22 PM »
I just tried that new Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth".

They also do takeaway.
They don't deliver.
Bearings Straight!