Group A - Russia, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uruguay - URU & RUS advance

Russia

Goalkeepers: Igor Akinfeev (CSKA Moscow), Vladimir Gabulov (Club Brugge), Andrey Lunev (Zenit St Petersburg).

Defenders: Vladimir Granat, Fedor Kudryashov (both Rubin Kazan), Ilya Kutepov (Spartak Moscow), Andrey Semenov (Akhmat Grozny), Sergei Ignashevich, Mario Fernandes (both CSKA Moscow), Igor Smolnikov (Zenit St Petersburg).

Midfielders: Yuri Gazinskiy (Krasnodar), Aleksandr Golovin, Alan Dzagoev (both CSKA Moscow), Aleksandr Erokhin, Yuri Zhirkov, Daler Kuzyaev (all Zenit St Petersburg), Roman Zobnin, Aleksandr Samedov (both Spartak Moscow), Anton Miranchuk (Lokomotiv Moscow), Denis Cheryshev (Villarreal).

Forwards: Artem Dzyuba (Arsenal Tula), Aleksey Miranchuk (Lokomotiv Moscow), Fedor Smolov (Krasnodar).

Saudi Arabia

Goalkeepers: Mohammed Al Owais, Yasser Al-Mosailem (both Al Ahli), Abdullah Al-Mayoof (Al Hilal).

Defenders: Mansour Al-Harbi (Al Ahli), Yasir Al Shahrani, Mohammed Alburyak (both Al Hilal), Motaz Hawsawi (Al Ahli), Osama Hawsawi (Al Hilal), Omar Othman (Al Nassr), Ali Albulayhi (Al Hilal).

Midfielders: Abdullah Alkhaibari (Al Shabab), Abdulmalek Al Khaibri, Abdullah Ateef (both Al Hilal), Taiseer Al Jassam, Hussain Al-Mogahwi (both Al Ahli), Salman Al Faraj, Mohamed Kanno (both Al Hilal), Hatan Bahebri (Al Shabab), Salem Al Dawsari (Al Hilal), Yahya Al Shehri (Al Nassr).

Forwards: Mohammed Al Sahlawi (Al Nassr), Mohannad Aseri (Al Ahli), Fahad Al Muwallad (Al Ittihad).

Egypt

Goalkeepers: Essam El Hadary (Al Taawoun), Mohamed El-Shenawy, Sherif Ekramy (both Al Ahly).

Defenders: Ahmed Fathi, Saad Samir, Ayman Ashraf (all Al Ahly), Mahmoud Hamdi (Zamalek), Mohamed Shafy (Al Fateh), Ahmed Hegazi (West Brom), Ali Gabr (Zamalek), Ahmed Elmohamady (Aston Villa), Omar Gaber (Los Angeles FC).

Midfielders: Tarek Hamed, (Zamalek), Abdallah El Said (Al Ahli), Sam Morsy (Wigan Athletic), Mohamed Elneny (Arsenal), Ramadan Sobhi (Stoke City), Mahmoud Hassan (Kasimpasa).

Forwards: Mohamed Salah (Liverpool), Marwan Mohsen (Al Ahly), Mahmoud Shikabala (Zamalek), Amr Warda (Atromitos), Mahmoud Kahraba (Al Ittihad).

Uruguay

Goalkeepers: Fernando Muslera (Galatasaray), Martin Silva (Vasco da Gama), Martin Campana (Independiente).

Defenders: Diego Godin, Jose Maria Gimenez (both Atletico Madrid), Sebastian Coates (Sporting Lisbon), Maximiliano Pereira (Porto), Gaston Silva (Independiente), Martin Caceres (Lazio), Guillermo Varela (Penarol).

Midfielders: Nahitan Nandez (Boca Juniors), Lucas Torreira (Sampdoria), Matias Vecino (Inter Milan), Rodrigo Bentancur (Juventus), Carlos Sanchez (Monterrey), Giorgian de Arrascaeta (Cruzeiro), Diego Laxalt (Genoa), Cristian Rodriguez (Penarol), Jonathan Urretaviscaya (Monterrey).

Forwards: Cristhian Stuani (Girona), Maximiliano Gomez (Celta Vigo), Edinson Cavani (Paris St-Germain), Luis Suarez (Barcelona).

Let's get this shit started.

Uruguay to qualify on 9points. See Egypt going through on four and better goaldifference after they keep it tight against Urugay and Salah goes off against the Saudis.

Five hours

So, arguably the Group of Death. Tournament's glamour group. Dare I so say. I thought, it might be a bit of an idea to provide you with some analysis on our squad.

The Supreme Tactical Genius In Charge

Managed by a very arrogant and annoying (local hipster media types are whining that he tells them to sod off any time they try to troll him, rather uncreatively) Stanislav Cherchesov. A decent keeper back in the day, was a very respected pro in Austria and then became a manager. Iirc won a fair few cups in that slightly non-German forrin league. Played for Dynamo Dresden in those fantastic black keeper pants. Which is nice. A self-confessed Spartak man and former player of theirs, which is just downright disgusting. We have no clue what system he will impose on our (obviously) inferior and forrin opposition. He tried everything - three at the back, back four, a line of five. But an unbelievable dearth of options defensively is arguably the biggest problem. Not popular, detested by the vast majority of Dynamo and Spartak fans for his managerial stints at respective clubs. Failed to win trophies despite enormous resources available in both of those jobs. His high point when with us was that 0-0 draw against Rafa's Napoli at home in Europe League. After a 1-3 tonking away. Also, went 6 wins in 6 games during the group stage, but we're talking PSV, Anderlecht and Paol and we had the budget that would make Zenit blush at the time. I despise him as a footballing man. Fun fact - his middle name is Salamovich. Salam is obviously Hello in many languages. Thus the nickname Privetych (Hello-ICH basically). Pub quiz win sorted there.

On to the fantastic role models and immaculate pros that we quietly refer to as footballers.

Keepers.

Akinfeev needs no introduction. Has plenty of critics and his butter-fingered effort against Algeria cost us the chance to qualify from the group four years ago, when the World Cup was in that Brazil forrin country, like. But even his hardest critics will admit, a driven man, very dependable, whose main weakness is his height. Still better than most on the line. Fantastic reflexes keeper. Made his senior club debut at 16, a symbol for CSKA fans. One of the few guys we can be sure about. Will give his all.

In case anything happens to Akinfeev, Lunev is a hugely promising Zenit keeper. Really impressive season for him, put Yury Ladygin in his back pocket, costing the Greece-born half-forrin arrogant git to sit on the bench and whine. A very mature boy, doesn't do the club and drink thing. Great athlete. His chance to shine will come very soon.

Vladimir Gabulov will not win any handsome devil contests, but he is a hugely experienced pro, who will not kill us if he has to step in. A well-travelled career, won the league with Brugge this year. Played for us in three separate stints, I respect him for being a very "normal" person and a decent keeper, but he left after a well-publicized locker room row with several senior players accusing each other of throwing in a match because they had a problem with the gaffer at the time and did not want to play for him. Ended up in a brawl. And instead of winning our first league title since 1976 (still stuck at number 11), we finished outside the top three. Sad that.

The impeccable D

Ignashevich retired. But we still called him up for the last hurrah. No decent centrebacks at all in this team, sad but very true. The guy had a very consistent career, and could have joined Everton back in Moyes days, but honestly said that he would miss playing in Europe every year and fighting for trophies.

Vladimir Granat (aside from being a greedy Judas genital for leaving us on a free to join those animals in Tushino a couple of years back and ruining a promising career, is past it, Kudryashev wasted like ten years of his career on fancy tats, big cars and thick, but physically very appealing females. Rubin had a very poor season with a ton of stuff happening financially, involving a lot of forrin agents. Both can play CB or LB. Only really perform under willy old Kurban Berdyev, a tactical mastermind currently managing Rubin. But Cherchesov is not a tactical mastermind, so these two will likely provide plenty of entertainment for the neutrals.

Semenov is very immobile and Akhmat Grozny are the definition of an overpaid mediocre bother-free team.  Kutepov is a very tall and clumsy CB. And plays for the pigs. Even their fans dislike him for being a very undependable performer, and he is their academy boy. And they won't shut up about their ferking academy. So you get the idea on how poor he is. Liverpool and Bilbao fans can attest to that. Basically, a smaller Dan Burns. You get the idea.

Fullback are better. Smolnikov is a very stable right back. But obviously, our forrin Mario Fernandes will play there. A quality player, I have no doubts that he could make it in any of the big leagues. As is the case with many forrins living here - understands everything we say, yet can not be bothered speaking himself. Beggars can not be choosers. And all that. Zhirkov is listed as a left winger, but I have no doubt that he will feature at LB at some point. Still going, a fun player to watch. Even if a bit of a tool and his wife is so thick, she makes some of those Terry/Rooney wags look like the learned sages they are not.

The incomparable Centrocampo

Our pride and joy. Despite being the stubborn, arrogant tit that he is, Cherchesov did call up some of the youngsters who showed real promise and started doing things this past season. Golovin is allegedly on the brink of joining Juve. A fabulous player, take a look at his goal in that Lyon away fixtures that the horses (CSKA) won. Smart, tricky, can play in that Pirlo role, can play as a number 10. Had a terrific season, helping them Army Boys finish second in a campaign where it looked as though they may be fading.

The Miranchuk twins made Lokomotiv gel and gave a huge helping hand in them trains (no explanation needed) win the league in the most unexpected fashion. Old timer Semin is a firm "if you're good enough, you're old enough" school of thought disciple and a big friend of Jorge Mendes. Yes, I am still very bitter about that whole Portuguese experiment at my beloved Dynamo almost 15 years ago and despise Maniche, Derley and Costinha with pashun, like. But he never holds a young player back if he sees that he is ready. Anton and Alexey are identical twins, and can cover a whole range of positions as attack-minded midfielders. Can be a bit inconsistent, but genuinely likable boys and Anton is linked with Milan at the moment. Can perfectly see why. Certainly has the skill and ability to play there.

Dzagoev is still a perfectly capable creative midfielder, very unfortunate with nagging minor injuries. Erokhin is a useless tall bloke, but has a tendency to chip in important headers when you least expect him. Still despised by the majority of Zenit fans. Daler Kuzyaev is probably one of only two players (Lunev being the other one) who really benefited from Mancini's astoundingly average spell in charge. A tall, deep-lying playmaker who can be a real revelation for the neutrals. Good thing he opted against representing Tadzhikistan, since his dad is from there but lived in Piter (short name for St Petersburg) pretty much his entire life.

Zobnin is good, was linked with Schalke and Roma. But imagine if Gazza signed with Sunlun the same season Newcastle got relegated. On a free. And went on to win the league with them. The very next season. You get the idea. As if being relegated for the very first time in our glorious history (Lev Yashin spent his entire career with us) was not embarrassing enough - seeing the smiling mug of his just a few short days after wearing that shirt was..... It was. Well. Still makes blood boil. Kinda like a castrated Lampard position-wise, if you get what I mean. Samedov is an annoying grey-haired winger who can not for the love of God do anything with his left foot. And also left us for them pigs. But he is their academy boy, so I just dislike him. Caused quite a stir among our sizable Azerbaidjani diaspora when refused a call up from their national team by saying that he couldn't care less. His dad is from there, but resides in Moscow for like 50 years now. The nationalistic minded among his peers went ballistic. Nobody cared otherwise. Average, past it and predictable winger.

Denis Cheryshev is a son of my favorite players growing up - Dmitry Cheryshev. We loved him, was so fast and decisive. Owen-like, but in a good way. Still is a bit of a hero among Sporting Gijon fans, and I actually shared a glass of wine with him a couple of times in the corporate box of our temporary home (for the last ten seasons anyway, and no - this is not a joke). His son is a Real Madrid youth product and there was actually talk of him representing them Spanish forrins internationally when he was like 17 or 18. A quality left-sided player, had a shocking rotten luck with injuries. Won Europa with Sevilla, played his best football at Villarreal, also represented Valencia. The first-ever Russian player with senior appearances for Real Madrid. Which is something. If he is healthy, could provide that much-needed quality.

Fabulous attack

Smolov is the guy here. I sincerely hope that he doesn't end up at something daft like West Ham. Spain and Italy are far more suited for his game. Our academy boy, who wasted several years clubbing, dating glamour girls and doing all those tatts. Left us on a free after my club hit rock bottom in terms of management and contract negotiations. Married Mkhitaryan's current object of love. Realized that social life is too much of a drag, divorced the posh gal and started playing proper football. Comfortable on the ball, some days really does remind a smaller Ibra in terms of his approach. Very nice shot on him. The focal point of FC Krasnodar. Managed to find a modestly 2 mil$ priced apartment there, confusing the hell out of the laid back locals. If he is on form - those Arabic forrins will have a handful. A bit harder to get past them Uruguay forrins, but he has the tools.

Kokorin also played for us. And left for Zenit in rather disgusting circumstances, in typical "thick rich footballer" fashion. A very skilled player who only shows up if he really fancies it, can go missing for weeks. Has a reputation for being an incredibly thick person, charity efforts don't help erase this image. Drives insanely expensive supercars, constantly gets into moronic headlines with his Insta, once had a series of photos with lap dancers going viral. Used to be Smolov's best buddy when playing for us. Yes, they were called Beavis and Butthead even by our support back then. When he is on, he can resemble a David Villa in his pomp. Too bad he switches off too often.

Dzyuba is a tall, powerful striker who provides a ton of fun for social media addicts and journalists with smart/idiotic quotes. Mancini did not like his fun-loving ways and sent him out on loan to Arsenal Tula where he scored a fair few and almost allowed them gunners to reach Europe for the first time in their history. Had a very public Bosman saga going from Spartak (another one of their vastly overrated and annoying youth products) to Zenit. Burning a ton of bridges with both sets of fans in the process, which does take some doing. And despite scoring a lot of goal for Zenit, still disliked there. They hate Spartak as well, but pretty much everyone does here. Has a deserved reputation as a money grabber and a bit of coont. Even if he does have a sense of humor. Not a lump, actually, quite comfortable with the ball at his feet.

So there.

Salah is good, the rest of Egypt not so much.

Uruguay have a very good squad but we can beat them. Maybe. Perhaps.

Saudis wear ridiculous sandals and I saw a group of them take a picture outside Hooters. We should batter them today. Perhaps. Hopefully.

The expectations for our team range from suicidal skepticism to mental optimism. We'll see.

Fedyan.

FOOTBALL!!!

Salamovich? So, son of hello? His dad must've been a bit  of a Casanova, only had to say hello to a woman and she was fertilised.

AnAH A3ArOEB is a decent little player

Are we discussing the game today in here or a separate thread?

Zhirkov is still playing. Wow

is dzagoev class yet

Fucking hell, I despise Gary Neville.

I'll trade for Alexi Lalas if you want

What a trophy

This is going to be such an enthralling game.

I'll trade for Alexi Lalas if you want

Done, since I’ve never seen him as a pundit

The Fox coverage is so excited about Putin's speech.

I'll trade for Alexi Lalas if you want

 

Done, since I’ve never seen him as a pundit

I'd rather have Merson.

The Fox coverage is so excited about Putin's speech.

Ofcourse they are.

Zhirkov is still playing. Wow

Ignashevich alongside him is 38

This is going to be such an enthralling game.

Bet you'll still watch the whole thing

This is going to be such an enthralling game.

 

Bet you'll still watch the whole thing

And rightly so. And every other game, as was written.

Zhirkov is still playing. Wow

Ignashevich alongside him is 38

Zhirkov is younger than I thought he was. I thought he was late 30's