Author Topic: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)  (Read 360754 times)

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54

  • NUFC54
  • This house is bitchin.
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6375 on: Tuesday 4 April 2017, 08:37:40 PM »
Thats way funnier then it should be :lol:

Incognito

  • Get your hands off me you freak
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6376 on: Friday 14 April 2017, 05:28:54 PM »
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6377 on: Friday 14 April 2017, 05:47:29 PM »
:lol:

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6378 on: Saturday 15 April 2017, 08:36:37 AM »
:lol: :lol:
Mums are the creatures that hold the world together and if it wasn't for your mum then you probably wouldn't have even ever been born.

Incognito

  • Get your hands off me you freak
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6379 on: Sunday 7 May 2017, 12:54:21 PM »
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

I told him "I want to live forever,"

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Villa win the Championship then."

"You crafty c***" said the fairy.
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6380 on: Sunday 7 May 2017, 06:28:42 PM »
How do you measure Donald Trump's Horse?

Spoiler
With tiny hands  :laugh:




Incognito

  • Get your hands off me you freak
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6381 on: Tuesday 9 May 2017, 02:55:55 PM »
I was out walking the dog yesterday when an old lady shouted "Oi, you make sure you pick that s*** up!". I replied "Alright, calm down grandma......."

".......give me a chance to wipe my arse first will ya?"
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

54

  • NUFC54
  • This house is bitchin.
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6382 on: Thursday 29 June 2017, 10:10:24 AM »
What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's f***ing r/aww

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6383 on: Saturday 16 September 2017, 07:43:36 PM »
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB.

Well, that was a trip down Memory Lane.
Mums are the creatures that hold the world together and if it wasn't for your mum then you probably wouldn't have even ever been born.

Super Duper Branko Strupar

  • The little jerk is armed!
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6384 on: Thursday 21 September 2017, 05:27:20 PM »
What do you call a Chamelon that has lost it'sd ability to change colour

Spoiler
A reptile dysfunction
Gimme-gimme-gimme-gimme-gimme some Ganja!

Incognito

  • Get your hands off me you freak
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6385 on: Thursday 21 September 2017, 07:32:41 PM »
The bloke who took Ryanair to court for mislaying his luggage has lost his case.
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

54

  • NUFC54
  • This house is bitchin.
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6386 on: Tuesday 10 October 2017, 04:01:47 PM »
Whats Barbies favourite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump-Ken

54

  • NUFC54
  • This house is bitchin.
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6387 on: Saturday 28 October 2017, 11:00:58 PM »
Sometimes when I'm bored I Google Chris Brown just to see how many hits I get.

Incognito

  • Get your hands off me you freak
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6388 on: Sunday 29 October 2017, 08:44:26 AM »
Eric Clapton was on 6 Music earlier saying how Jimmy Savile's career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces.


Copyright of Tooj 2012.
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Froggy

  • Ok at Rocket League
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6389 on: Sunday 29 October 2017, 12:03:19 PM »
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines" said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".

"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.

Tomato Deuce

  • Book Wanker
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6390 on: Sunday 29 October 2017, 12:10:25 PM »
:lol: nice

Darth Crooks

  • I find your lack of Christmas hat disturbing...
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6391 on: Sunday 29 October 2017, 02:08:00 PM »
Wow high brow.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6392 on: Sunday 29 October 2017, 02:49:48 PM »
Imagine telling that one at a party.
Never look down on someone, unless you're helping them up!

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6393 on: Sunday 29 October 2017, 03:09:55 PM »
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbour:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'

Spell check wouldn't catch that as "wife" is correctly spelled.


Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6394 on: Saturday 11 November 2017, 06:31:29 AM »
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbour:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'

Spell check wouldn't catch that as "wife" is correctly spelled.

Really frustrating as instead of spell check could have blamed it on auto correct and would have worked. Ruined the whole joke and instead of laughing I was left feeling pretty despondent.

Incognito

  • Get your hands off me you freak
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6395 on: Sunday 12 November 2017, 01:37:28 PM »
My mate said to me "I saw the ex UKIP leader and the 'Simply The Best' singer leaving on an aeroplane together this morning". I replied "Farage & Tina?", he said "No......"

".......for Brazil I think"
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

newsted

  • Everything Louder Than Everything Else. RIP Lemmy.
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6396 on: Sunday 12 November 2017, 01:47:33 PM »
:lol: f*** off Billy.
:) Tomorrow's another day.