Author Topic: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)  (Read 345097 times)

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6375 on: Monday 24 October 2016, 11:09:00 AM »
Wife came home from work to find husband sitting watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else". She continued "....I'm also seeing someone else he's younger than you, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything I ask and makes love to me till i cant take anymore". The husband replied "Really?......"

".......What team does he support?"
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Incognito

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6376 on: Friday 11 November 2016, 07:17:51 AM »
Went on holiday last week.
As I laid on the beach being massaged by a beautiful woman I looked at my wife and said,"This is the life,isn't it?"
She just completely ignored me.
"Isn't it?" I asked again.
She continued to ignore me.
"Oh f*** off then," I said,"I don't know why I even bothered to Skype you."
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6377 on: Tuesday 22 November 2016, 12:22:10 AM »
I can count the amount of times that I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

7 times.
{o,o}
|)__)
-“-“-

Worst Chat Poster 2016
Most Boring/Repetitive/Deteriorated/Repetitive Poster 2016

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6378 on: Saturday 10 December 2016, 09:53:55 PM »
Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and Stuart Hall walk into an Irish pub, the barman says "Ach, not yew tree again."

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6379 on: Friday 23 December 2016, 04:29:49 PM »
What's the difference between 3 big cocks and a joke?

Your Mum can't take a joke!

Incognito

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6380 on: Saturday 24 December 2016, 01:57:40 PM »
My mate just said to me "I saw the ex UKIP leader and the 'Simply The Best' singer leaving together this morning at Birmingham Airport". I said "Farage and Tina?", he replied "No.......

".....for Brazil I think"
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Incognito

  • I am the eggman goo goo gjoob
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6381 on: Sunday 15 January 2017, 12:35:32 PM »
Religious extremists have blown up a sperm bank. Witnesses say there is a right commotion there.
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

BONTEMPI

  • I got this.
Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6382 on: Sunday 15 January 2017, 07:19:07 PM »
Religious extremists have blown up a sperm bank. Witnesses say there is a right cummotion there.

FYP
If bints claim they can multi-task, why can't they have an orgasm and headache at the same time?

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6383 on: Monday 16 January 2017, 08:27:16 AM »
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...


Incognito

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6384 on: Thursday 19 January 2017, 12:45:11 PM »
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbour:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6385 on: Sunday 29 January 2017, 11:06:07 PM »
My mate's in an Elbow tribute band called Arse, and honestly I can't tell the difference.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6386 on: Sunday 29 January 2017, 11:07:38 PM »
I do hope there is an Elbow tribute band called Arse.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6387 on: Monday 6 February 2017, 03:46:38 PM »
Trump: the less immigrants we let in the better


Pence: * fewer


Trump: shh don't call me that in public yet

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6388 on: Wednesday 15 February 2017, 09:19:28 PM »
Do not read if easily offended and do not judge me for this joke.

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?" I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian." So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour." I said, "No! I'm not a fuckin' chameleon, I'm a comedian." So he says, "Oh right. Tell me a joke then, make me raff." I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?" He replied, "Yes." Just then I noticed his wok was on fire in the kitchen, so I said, "Wok! Wok!" And he replied, "Who der?"

Incognito

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6389 on: Friday 10 March 2017, 04:21:51 PM »
Hands trembling, I checked the numbers again -9-15 21-04 20-17....I simply couldn't believe it, after all these years of trying I'd finally done it.. I'd got a doctors appointment.
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6390 on: Tuesday 4 April 2017, 08:36:17 PM »
Just dropped my phone into a big dollop of mayonnaise.

F*cking Hellmann.
Mums are the creatures that hold the world together and if it wasn't for your mum then you probably wouldn't have even ever been born.

54

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6391 on: Tuesday 4 April 2017, 08:37:40 PM »
Thats way funnier then it should be :lol:
My name is 54, and this is my favourite forum on the internet.

Incognito

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6392 on: Friday 14 April 2017, 05:28:54 PM »
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6393 on: Friday 14 April 2017, 05:47:29 PM »
:lol:

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6394 on: Saturday 15 April 2017, 08:36:37 AM »
:lol: :lol:
Mums are the creatures that hold the world together and if it wasn't for your mum then you probably wouldn't have even ever been born.

Incognito

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6395 on: Sunday 7 May 2017, 12:54:21 PM »
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

I told him "I want to live forever,"

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Villa win the Championship then."

"You crafty c***" said the fairy.
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6396 on: Sunday 7 May 2017, 06:28:42 PM »
How do you measure Donald Trump's Horse?

Spoiler
With tiny hands  :laugh:




Incognito

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Re: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #6397 on: Tuesday 9 May 2017, 02:55:55 PM »
I was out walking the dog yesterday when an old lady shouted "Oi, you make sure you pick that s*** up!". I replied "Alright, calm down grandma......."

".......give me a chance to wipe my arse first will ya?"
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.