Author Topic: The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)  (Read 342032 times)

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GeordieMessiah

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The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« on: Thursday 16 November 2006, 11:43:29 PM »
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
"Football violence will continue as long as they're shitting in our shoes and we're pissing in their Bovril" - Billy Connolly

Threelegs

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The Jokes Thread! (Don't Look if Easily Offended)
« Reply #1 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 05:09:02 PM »
A man walks into a chemist with his 12 year old daughter.
He asks the pharmacist for some condoms. The pharmacist finds this strange and asks out of bewilderment "Is your daughter sexually active already"

The man replies...




Wait for it




Wait for it








"No she just lays there like her mother".
« Last Edit: Friday 25 February 2011, 09:32:21 PM by Andy »
And as is always the case, the best remedy to getting over a girl is getting inside another.

Threelegs

  • Absolute Legend! (Grade A Cuntstable)
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #2 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 05:09:55 PM »
I went to a zoo today

There was only one dog

It was a Shitzu
And as is always the case, the best remedy to getting over a girl is getting inside another.

Threelegs

  • Absolute Legend! (Grade A Cuntstable)
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #3 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 05:14:09 PM »
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
And as is always the case, the best remedy to getting over a girl is getting inside another.

Dokko

  • TT
  • Howay you robot radgies
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #4 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 05:22:56 PM »
Boy says to his mum, 'I've got the biggest cock at the nursery, is dat coz i iz black?'

She replies 'No son, its because you are 28 and a retard, now watch you don't get spaghetti down your Sunderland top'

 ;D


Threelegs

  • Absolute Legend! (Grade A Cuntstable)
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #5 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 05:28:18 PM »
2 Gay blokes, they are both cannibals. They are in love and one of them dies.

All is not lost though, as the widowed homo, can look forward to eating his dead pals remains.

He chops up his lovers body and starts putting a lot of chili onto it. His brother comes over and sees this. He has no problem with cannibalism and gays, however he wants to know why he is putting so much chili on.

The gay man replies...



"It because i want him to dribble out my ass, one last time" :)

And as is always the case, the best remedy to getting over a girl is getting inside another.

Dokko

  • TT
  • Howay you robot radgies
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #6 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 05:30:48 PM »
2 Gay blokes, they are both cannibals. They are in love and one of them dies.

All is not lost though, as the widowed homo, can look forward to eating his dead pals remains.

He chops up his lovers body and starts putting a lot of chili onto it. His brother comes over and sees this. He has no problem with cannibalism and gays, however he wants to know why he is putting so much chili on.

The gay man replies...



"It because i want him to dribble out my ass, one last time" :)



 :lol:

You are one fuked up human being mate!  mackems.gif

Threelegs

  • Absolute Legend! (Grade A Cuntstable)
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #7 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 06:01:11 PM »
Why Women Are Like Football Grounds


1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play

2. Pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald

3. Remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground

6. Only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. Don’t ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited

8. Extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. If the ground does not seem to have under soil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches

15. From time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. Always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u ###### the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. Players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
And as is always the case, the best remedy to getting over a girl is getting inside another.

Invicta_Toon

Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #8 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 06:18:12 PM »
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

that one can be jazzed up tbh

Gash?

  • If I'm dead, you've been dead for weeks.
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #9 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 07:36:16 PM »
Why are Pirates called Pirates?


Because they argggh

Elric

  • I said "YOU FUCKIN' DIE..." to her
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #10 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 07:45:39 PM »
1. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

2. A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is
destroying his family.

3. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was
clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low
self-esteem.

4. What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

5. Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

6. How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

7. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

8. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

9. Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

10. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
So, you are a formerly dead black model, who is now suddenly a living white hobo after spending a weekend on the moon. Is that correct?

Invicta_Toon

Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #11 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 07:51:01 PM »
they're funny in German tbh

Elric

  • I said "YOU FUCKIN' DIE..." to her
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #12 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 07:51:55 PM »
they're funny in German tbh

'S why they're called the 'top 10 german jokes' tbh :)
So, you are a formerly dead black model, who is now suddenly a living white hobo after spending a weekend on the moon. Is that correct?

Incognito

  • I am the eggman goo goo gjoob
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #13 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 10:30:56 PM »
Bought myself a pair of swimming trunks today with SPEEDO printed on the back.Had a great swim but became aware of people really giving me evils.Thought what the f*** are they looking at like.So i left to get changed.Imagine my horror when i realised the S had fallen off my trunks! ;)
RIP gejon/cajun/ Jon Lockwood.

Proud to have made your acquaintance Sir.

Invicta_Toon

Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #14 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 11:00:18 PM »
howay man you can't joke about s*** like that

Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #15 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 11:05:43 PM »
howay man you can't joke about s*** like that

Oh. It's funny until you're the butt of the joke, isn't it, Vic?

Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #16 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 11:07:23 PM »
howay man you can't joke about s*** like that

Oh. It's funny until you're the butt of the joke, isn't it, Vic?

 :lol:

Nobody

  • That chick was like the Pele of anal
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #17 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 11:20:15 PM »
howay man you can't joke about s*** like that

Oh. It's funny until you're the butt of the joke, isn't it, Vic?
:lol:

Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #18 on: Monday 18 June 2007, 11:25:40 PM »
A wealthy businessman takes several of his prominent clients to a local piano bar in a trendy part of town. After a short time a pianist takes the stage to polite applause, thanks the audience for the welcome and begins to play at which point he launches into a foul mouthed rugby song sprinkled with the words cock, c***, shag and t*** before a member of staff approaches him and quickly ushers him off the stage. He returns 10 minutes later, apologises to the audience, and begins to play again and plays a medly of beautiful classics that would put Richard Clayderman to shame. He exites the stage to warm applause and calls for more.

The businessman is clearly impressed and approaches the pianist to ask if he plays private functions, as his daughters 21st birthday party is upcoming and he would like some classical background music - the pianist is delighted to confirm his availability at which point the businessman stresses "Please make sure you play your classical medly and not the foul mouthed ranting song I heard earlier,"

"No problem," says the pianist, "Know your audience etc etc"

The day of the party arrives, with a huge guest list. The pianist takes the stage to warm applause and wishes the businessmans daughter the best for her birthday. He sits down at the piano and immediately launches into a filthy song liberally sprinkled with words like s***, w***, funk and pissflaps. The businessman rushes to the stage, grabs the pianist and asks him what the hell he's doing and why isn't he playing the classical stuff.

"Dreadfully sorry," says the pianist, "but in order to be able to play my best stuff I must have ejaculated shortly before going on stage."

"Well," says the businessman, "Perhaps you should go upstairs and have a five finger shuffle to sort things out," and he sends him quickly up to a private room to deal with the problem. 5 minutes later the pianist rushes backto the stage and apologises for the delay - unfortunately in his haste he has neglected to zip up his flies but fails to notice his error.

His first number is raptuously received for its classical beauty and is greeted to warm applause. The pianist finishes and stands up and bows to the audience, completely unaware of his obviously problem downstairs. A man in the front row leans forward and whispers to the pianist "Excuse me mate but do you know your cocks hanging out and there's come all over it?"

"Know it," exclaims the pianist with glee, "I f***ing wrote it" :boomboom:

Threelegs

  • Absolute Legend! (Grade A Cuntstable)
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #19 on: Tuesday 19 June 2007, 01:57:20 AM »
howay man you can't joke about s*** like that

Oh. It's funny until you're the butt of the joke, isn't it, Vic?

 :lol:

I reckon its a great joke. Did you get molested when you were a kid vic?
And as is always the case, the best remedy to getting over a girl is getting inside another.

Yorkie

  • C'mTA
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #20 on: Tuesday 19 June 2007, 02:37:35 AM »
A man walks into his living room, shocked to see his girlfriend packing her bags.

"What are you doing?" He proclaims.

"I'm leaving. I can't face it any longer."

"But why?" The man is confused.

"Because the whole town is calling you a paeodophile. I can't face it anymore."

"A paedophile!?" The man is gobsmacked,

"That's a big word for a 6-year-old!"


---


What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.


---


What's the difference between a gypsy and the bucket of sick?

The bucket.

Threelegs

  • Absolute Legend! (Grade A Cuntstable)
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #21 on: Tuesday 19 June 2007, 04:01:35 AM »
Whats the hardest thing about cooking a vegetable?



Getting the wheelchair into the Oven.
And as is always the case, the best remedy to getting over a girl is getting inside another.

Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #22 on: Tuesday 19 June 2007, 06:00:00 AM »
howay man you can't joke about s*** like that

Aye, come on lads - it's not very politically correct, is it.

Inochi

  • feels like you're being watched
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #23 on: Tuesday 19 June 2007, 10:52:50 AM »
howay man you can't joke about s*** like that

Aye, come on lads - it's not very politically correct, is it.

Gaaaaay.

Dave

  • Administrator
Re: The Jokes Thread!
« Reply #24 on: Tuesday 19 June 2007, 12:44:41 PM »