Drinking Games: 'The Jeremy Kyle Show'
"You don't deserve to be a father!" "Wipe that smirk off your face, young lady!" "We're only interested in the TRUTH on this show!" If you hear any of those three phrases blaring out of your telly box, it's more than likely you've just stumbled upon a Jeremy Kyle marathon on ITV2. Rather than just switch over, DS has got into the spirit of the strangely popular daytime "confrontational" chatshow and devised a unique drinking game. Jezza definitely wouldn't approve!
Rule One: Drink a hefty swig of gin whenever Kyle barks the phrases, '"You're scum!", "Be quiet!" or "You are an utter disgrace!"
Rule Two: Keep drinking beer when Kyle enters into a diatribe about "young men sitting on their backsides" who rob us of our taxes. Finish with a chaser if he adds something about how he hopes Gordon Brown is watching. He'll usually conclude - frothing at the mouth - with the line, "This is symptomatic of what's wrong with this damn country of ours!"
Rule Three: Tuck into a bottle of wine if Jezza mentions "my researchers", who have done some digging around and checking up on the show's guests.
Rule Four: Have a glass of whiskey when Jez shouts down his guest by yelling: "Listen to me! LISTEN TO ME!" Help yourself to a second glass if he kneels in front of them, stares at them wide-eyed and proceeds to patronise, humiliate and sneer for five minutes.
Rule Five: When he instructs a bloke - who is allegedly cheating/hitting a woman/an alcoholic to "be a real man" - crack open some cider. He'll usually get the wolves in the audience howling with approval, by adding: "Where I come from, real men don't cry!"
Rule Six: Finish off a line of shots when Jezza stops shouting, puts on his serious face and calls for "the all-important lie detector results".
Rule Seven: Each time Jez utters the words "national television" ("Are you saying to me on national television and before all these people in the audience on national television?") or mentions that his show is watched by X-million people, glug some Baileys.
Rule Eight: If the guests storm off, throw some furniture or have to be separated by security, get your best bottle of vodka out. Make it a large one if Jezza goes backstage to sort things out and calm things down.
Rule Nine: When one of Jezza's guests claims to drink an inexplicably large amount of booze on a daily basis ("I drink 57 pints a day, Jeremy", "I finish two bottles of vodka every hour"), drink some of your mum's sherry.
Rule Ten: If Kyle ends the show with the lines, "you have earned my respect young lady", "promise me one thing young man" or the best of the lot, "get off my stage!" finish all your remaining drinks.
