Big Sam’s write up of his Austria trip, straight from our ITK source at the publisher.

Douglas, I’m thinking that this stuff could double as a travel guide. You know Big Sams’ guide to Europe. Show off my cultured side. So how about we call it ‘around the world with Big Sam’? Obviously not being in Europe this season will limit the scope a bit, but I think a section on regional variations in chip butties would have the book flying off the shelves.

When I heard we’d booked ourselves into a top notch training camp for the pre-season I was delighted. ‘That Roeder got one thing right’ I told Shepherd ‘Skegness here we come!’

‘Skegness?’, Shepherd looked even more confused than usual

‘That is where we’re going isn’t it.’ I protested ‘I mean, I know you haven’t told the lads yet but it must be. Top class facilities, ice cold showers, convenient cycle paths, golf course. It’s Butlins in Skegness isn’t it? I wanted to take Bolton there, but we always ended up at Minehead.’

Well it turned out that it wasn’t Skegness at all. It was Stegersbach in Austria. Now Europe isn’t somewhere I’ve had much occasion to visit in my career. Indeed when it comes to the continents the only one I’ve got much time for is the US of A where they really know what big is, so I had to do some quick research.

Turned out the place was pretty good. Cycle tracks, golf course, sauna, the works. Mind you they all speak German. On the way over I did a check among the players to see if we had a translator

“Anyone speak German here? Might come in handy”

Quick as a flash Given piped up with “I can say ‘Get your act together you lazy git’ in German”

I was still getting over that when Dyer added

“I can do ‘Put some effort in you big time Chalie’”

“How about ‘Can’t you pretend it’s a cup game every week’” suggested Solano.

After that I was looking a bit confused, but Lee Clarke set me straight

“Hamman”

By the time we landed I’d discovered that the new boy Rozenhal speaks German, and appointed him as our official resort liaison officer. Thanks to Bolton hanging on to some of my previous staff my backroom was still a bit light for my taste, so I had to assign some extra roles.

“Clarke”

“Yes boss”

“I need you to be defensive co-ordinator, chief psychologist, and peripheral vision coach”

“Round”

“Yes Big Sam”

“Strategist, opposition scout, dietician and conditioning”

“Dyer”

“Yes Boss!”

“Tea boy”

It was on the way through the airport that I started to suspect all was not well. One of the locals recognised us and started trying to join the party.At the time I thought he’d been sniffing marker pens. I sent the word round

“Keep it calm lads, don’t make any sudden moves and it’ll all be fine”

Well we got out of the airport OK, but he turned up again that evening, and the next day there was a second one. The next morning some of the lads reported being followed on their morning bike ride. I called the Fat Man

“Freddy, where are you?”

“I’m still in Barcelona, I can’t come home without a player or Mort’ll kill me. I’ve even asked about Ronaldinho just to convince him I’m trying. What is it?”

“I’m in Austria. I think Mort’s got a couple of spies watching us. I’ve told the lads to keep calm and just play it natural, but that guys got eyes everywhere.”

It’s hard being a top class manager when your deputy chairman is spying on your every move, but it’s the ability to deal with that kind of pressure that got me where I am today. Over the next few days we even managed to make contact with the two ‘observers’. Meanwhile we made use of the facilities to replicate the kind of training regime I’d have wanted to put them through at Butlins. As you can see from the schedule below it was hard work to keep the quality high but I was able to improvise

7 AM : 45 minutes on the pedaloes - replaced with 45 minutes of cross country cycling. You lost the water resistance, and the emphasis on teamwork a two man pedalo gives, but it wasn’t bad.

8 AM : Bowl of coco-pops and a harvest crunch, replaced with full continental breakfast. It’s just not the same, and you can’t get Harvest Crunch for love or money in Austria. Had to substitute museli.

9 AM : Angelina Ballerina dance classes, replaced with pilates and calisthenetics. There’s nowt better than a dancing mouse to work on a players movement, plus I’ve always thought there’s nothing like her determination and passion for inspiring players. Sadly there was nothing like a dancing mouse in Austria so we had to make do with fancy gym stuff.

10-12 : Head tennis on the tennis courts, replaced with head tennis on the training pitch. Not having proper courts made serving and scoring harder, plus using the badminton nets completely changed the level of the game.

12-2 : Two sandwiches and a packet of walkers crisps replaced with Fresh pasta salads, just doesn’t compare

2-4 : Motivational videos featuring the great achievements of Limerick, Preston, Blackburn, Notts County and Bolton

4-5 : Crazy golf foursomes replaced with golf. I was disappointed with this one, I’ve always felt crazy golf was a real test for the mind and body. Stimulates the kind of thinking that leads to great set pieces. Jay Jay Okacha used to be out there everyday and it paid off in games because he’d be thinking ‘If I can just bounce it off the centreback, catch the left winger on the way past then clip the refs heel it’ll fall perfect for Kevin Davies’ – you just don’t get that on a flat green.

5-6 : Ice cold showers replaced with 30 minute Ice Bath

6-late : Jetix Action Heroes, just wasn’t replacable. Had to give the lads free time in the end. Gutted to miss out on the Totally Spies lasses.

One evening I was strolling about watching the lads enjoy some of their carefully rationed leisure time. It seemed Dyer and Barton had listened to a speech I’d given on Tuesday about the need to be thinking more strategically, and they’d decided to play chess. I am personally a huge fan of the game and was able to form an expert assessment in seconds, Dyer was on the verge of victory. I rushed across to head off disaster;

“Let him have it Kieron. It’s not wise to upset Barton”

“But nobody worries about upsetting me”

“That’s because you don’t pull people’s arms out of their socket when you lose. Joey’s been known to do that.”

“So if I think really strategically”

“Yes Kieron…”

“I’ll let Barton win”

“Exactly”

It’s tough at the top, but it’s that kind of awareness of social situations you need to get through pre-season. Mind you, even when we were heading back on the plane I was already turning my attention to the first big game of the season. Newcastle versus Celtic, the Wee Man vesus the Big Man, England versus Scotland, a top flight international in all but name and a chance to show those suits at the FA what they missed out on.